2020, the year I stop masturbating.

… because solo masturbation isn’t working for me at the moment.

What! No orgasms? Why!?

I’ve had a bit of a revelation.

So, let’s talk about my relationship with masturbation. I like orgasms. I really like them. However, because my body is complicated having an orgasm isn’t straightforward. Orgasms cause pain, exhaustion, and occasionally these effects that last for weeks. I really wish I was joking, but I’m not. Orgasming can truly fuck me up, and not in a fun way. My last masturbation sessions really drove that point home. Apart from the physical and energy level side of things, orgasms also take a lot of mental work.

What is my brain busy doing? I’m glad you asked! I’ve caught myself making shopping lists in the middle of sex, multiple times. I’ve planned blog posts, I’ve thought up new business ideas, and I’ve dwelled on therapy topics. It’s not that I’m bored, or uninterested my brain just won’t shut up. Honestly, a large part of me thinks I’m exhausted from trying to make my brain cooperate into orgasming!

Under Pressure

Because I write about sex, sexuality and disability, and sex toys, I feel there’s a type of pressure to be sexual, and live my ‘best sex-positive life’ – after all, I’m testing out toys made with climax in mind, and my message is very much ‘yay sex and sex-positivity’! My job as an online tease adds to that pressure. Now, I don’t masturbate for my job anymore. I masturbate when I want to, and then I tell my fan clubs to make them jealous. It’s fun. *insert mischievous face here*

And please don’t misunderstand me – I enjoy sex! I love orgasms, and I love the idea of masturbation. However, all those things zap energy and cause pain. I can have an orgasm, but a lot of the time the pain and exhaustion from wanking isn’t worth the payoff.

I have been fighting against my body for so long to have solo orgasms when the orgasms I have with my partner are much more satisfying for me. I would even go so far as to say that having a solo orgasm is self-destructive.

A solo masturbation session feels like a big bright neon light pointing to all of the things wrong with my body. I’ve never masturbated without pain, but that’s my norm. However, throughout the past three years, it’s been very difficult for me to masturbate without a very high pain level. If you add my busy thought patterns into the mix you have a special cocktail called ‘spiralling’. My speciality.

But what happens during masturbation that it’s so bad?

Widening my hips puts my back out, contracting my muscles near orgasm has hurt my ribs and has sent me to hospital. Having a solo toe clenching orgasm has induced painful spasms in my feet. The list goes on, and on. Let’s not even get into my brain … today.

Does all of this happen during partnered sex? Yes, though sometimes to a lesser extent as my partner watches out for my body more than me. Having partnered sex is worth more to me physically and emotionally than solo masturbation.

My feelings might shift over time, and maybe I’ll find a way to masturbate that doesn’t ruin me (fingers crossed), but for now, I need to stop masturbating and stop pressuring myself to masturbate.

2020 Goals

My aim for 2020 is to completely let go of the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘woulds’ when it comes to having a solo orgasm, not orgasms themselves. I can still have my fun.

So, I’m letting go. I’m not going to force myself to orgasm if I feel aroused, and I’m not going to beat myself up if I want to orgasm, but ultimately decide that it’s not worth the pain. Will I orgasm solo sometime in 2020? Probably. Heck, I would go as far as to say definitely. But living my ‘best sex-positive life’ means learning to let go.

Basically, I’m going to think of 2020 as the year I ‘Marie Kondo’ my sex life, and you bet your butt I’m going to blog about it.