MysteryVibe Cresendo Review

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Confession time. I’ve had the MysteryVibe Cresendo in my bedside drawer for quite some time. This was given to me a few years ago to review, but life just kept getting in the way. To be honest, the toy also kept getting in the way.

I favour toys that aren’t a lot of faff, particularly if I’m going to review it solo. The MysteryVibe Cresendo is all the faff. That’s not to say that there are some highs to it – there’s plenty of them, but between the buttons, the not so easy to bend structure, and the tech it’s not my go-to vibe.

Let’s get into it.

Basics of the MysteryVibe Cresendo

• Cost: £129/$161
• Includes: MysteryVibe Cresendo, wireless induction charger, storage case, elegant storage box, instruction manual.
• Size: 1.6 inches x 1.4 inches at the widest point, narrow end the circumference is 3.5 inches and at the wider end 4.75 inches (excluding the ‘ears’). In metric, this is 3.5cm x 4cm at the widest point and 21cm long, with a circumference of 9cm at the narrow end and 12cm at the wider end and 8.5 inches long
• Materials:  Medical Grade Silicone
• Body safe: Yes
• Weight: 156g
• Waterproof: 100%
• Colour: Purple & Teal
• Power: Rechargeable USB – charges in 45 minutes.
• Warranty:  1 Year

Sex Tech Talk

The MysteryVibe Cresendo can be controlled via an app, which needs updating periodically. The app can be used to control the Cresendo, lending itself perfectly to partnered play.

What don’t I like about the app?

I honestly think my opinions of the Cresendo would be better if it had a remote-controlled way to turn the damned thing on because that would help with the button problem – I’ll get on to that later.

The cost is so high, and it presumes people have a way of controlling the MysteryVibe Cresendo, but what if the people buying the toy don’t have a suitable smartphone? What if someone is gifted it, but doesn’t have the ability for an app? A lot of people, myself included, take smartphones for granted, and in an era where EVERYTHING is connected to a smartphone, we need to be more conscious of those that might not have that option.

Lastly, this is the fatalistic Brexit mindset I’m now in – what if the app is taken away from app stores? Considering the crackdown on everything sex-related, I wouldn’t put it past the companies to start shutting sex toy apps down. I know I seem to be looking for problems, but these are all considerations.

Finally, in regard to the app itself, I would prefer it if the text were a little bigger as there’s a lot of empty space (or if there were an option to make text bigger). I would also like it if the buttons for the choice selection and help were bigger also.

What do I like about the app?

I like the variety and I like how smooth the app works, it’s not at all clunky and I like the design. The white text/blue and purple background contrast make it fairly easy to see, there is a variety in the type of patterns offered, and the app feels pretty sensitive to the touch.

Packaging

Luxurious is the word that springs to mind when I look at the packaging for the MysteryVibe Cresendo. It’s the packaging I wanted to keep – and did for a very long time. I love the look of the box, and how it’s simple, yet elegant. It reflects and is a credit to, the MysteryVibe Cresendo and that’s not something I often say.

The bottom line, it’s the best packaging design I’ve seen yet – a part of me even likes it more than the holo in the Zumio package. *gasp*

Opinions in Use

I love the look of the MysteryVibe Cresendo. It’s luxurious – a word I’ll no doubt keep using in this review. It feels smooth and silky, and I can honestly say I’ve not seen anything like it before.

However, looks can be deceiving. I wanted orgasms, and all I got was frustration. I’ll get into the buttons later, but I found it, on the whole, a really difficult toy. The MysteryVibe Cresendo is a toy that I have to be mentally prepared to review because I know it’s going to end up hurting me. It becomes more of a chore than pleasurable experience … and I want to like it. MysteryVibe is doing great things!

Positives of the MysteryVibe Cresendo

• Quiet: The MysteryVibe Cresendo is pretty quiet, but it depends on the pattern. The vibrations are deep, and there’s an odd vibration pattern that sounds like a car skidding on a wet road.
• Innovative: In a world of reproduced designs, the MysteryVibe Cresendo is fairly new – especially the packaging. It’s different. It’s someone thinking outside the box. It’s the type of sex toy that gets people talking, and I like that about it.
• Contours to your body: There are so many rabbits that are ‘made for you’, and ‘perfectly shaped’, that lie. They’re not, because they couldn’t possibly be made for every shape of the human body. The MysteryVibe Cresendo can be shaped to your body – albeit with some limitations. When in use with a partner it’s a toy that doesn’t get in the way, and because it’s mostly uniform so there are no knobbly bits sticking into your hip when you try to slide it between your bodies.
• Inclusive: No matter your genitals, you can find a use for it. It’s not designed to use by one person – you use it as a ring to go around the penis, and an insertable toy (though not anal)! However, I wouldn’t say it’s ‘the first’ of anything. There’s a fixation on gendering toys that we’re slowly moving away from, but when you think about it a vibrator isn’t necessarily gendered – I use a Doxy on my partner, and myself, same with bullet vibes. Bendy? There’s the Je Joue G-Kii which looks like it moves smoother with less effort, and you can lock in into place. It only has 2 motors, and less movability, however, it’s also cheaper than the MysteryVibe Cresendo. The phrase ‘the first to do x’ sounds great, but it’s a sales tactic.

Negatives of the MysteryVibe Cresendo

• I don’t know what the fins do: If I put the fins over my clit, they don’t do anything as they’re too wide apart. If I try to tease other parts of my body, absolutely nothing. The fins might fit around someone else’s clit/nipples, but they don’t fit around mine. Honestly, I’d much prefer a toy without the fins – where it could be turned into a cool double-ended toy.
• Where’s the power: The Cresendo has an odd sort of intensity because it feels like it should be powerful as there are so many motors, but in actual fact, it feels rather weak. The buzz travels through my entire body and depending on the position I can feel it all the way in my butt, but it’s not enough to be satisfying or get me off. Considering there are 6 motors, this feels like the biggest letdown of the toy – even more so when you read about how the first iteration was pulled because it wasn’t powerful enough.
• Temperamental Charging: The circular dock doesn’t suit the long toy. I’ve had so much trouble getting the MysteryVibe Cresendo to stay on the dock, it has become sex toy yoga! There have been times where I’ve put it on charge only to come back hours later and find it’s toppled itself over onto the floor. To be honest, I would much rather have to plug it in than use wireless charging, or a longer charging dock.
• Bluetooth: I am always wary when a toy connects to my phone. Not for privacy, but because it rarely connects to my phone without endless frustration. The MysteryVibe Cresendo is no exception. Move it the wrong way, and it will disconnect – not something you want when building up to an orgasm.
• Buttons: If you’ve seen or felt the MysteryVibe Cresendo, well you knew this was coming. When I spoke the person on the stall for the MysteryVibe at Eroticon a few years back admitted that the buttons were small, and oh gosh they are. They’re the peskiest little things considering the amount of room on the side of the vibe. The buttons take up next to no space and are placed so close together that you’ll inevitably end up pressing the wrong one … multiple times. If you’ve got lube on your hands, good luck. I’ve even shown it off to able-bodied friends, and they say the same – considering the space available the buttons are unnecessarily small. I guess props for realising your own toy has a mistake? I do wonder why this issue wasn’t brought up before the final product was made. They’re so tiny!
• Bendy: Moving the toy into different positions is enough to make my wrists ache, and you might scoff at that if you’ve handled one yourself, but it’s true. It takes 2 rather weak hands to bend the MysteryVibe Cresendo into shape, and there’s no fluidity to bending the toy. There’s a good amount of resistance in the movement. To be honest, I’d probably be worse off masturbating with the MysteryVibe Cresendo because it would have long term effects. Now, I know there needs to be some resistance or else it would move all over the place, however it still manages to move all over the place. If I’m using it with a bit too much effort it almost collapses on itself – not really want I’m after.

Updates

If you don’t use it often, but want to have a quick go, you might find yourself waiting ages for the software to update.  It might have been a fluke, but that was my experience.

Round-Up

Positives

• Body-safe, and easy to clean.
• Feels luxurious.
• Lovely packaging.
• Conforms to body for internal and clitoral vibrations.
• Versatile
• Unisex

Negatives

• High Price Point
• Buttons are tiny.
• Difficult to charge.
• Weak motors – not at all-powerful for the amount spent.
• Hard to bend.
• Attracts fluff all the damn time.

Accessibility:

• 2 hands needed to bend the MysteryVibe Cresendo.
• Buttons are tiny and difficult to press. They’re also right next to the vibrations.
• Wireless charging is both a positive and a negative – nothing to plug in, but getting it to stay can be a challenge.
• It can be curved to lie against the body and used hands-free.
• Body-safe materials.
• It can be used on all body types.

Conclusion

Look, there’s a lot of good reviews out there, and I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong when I test these toys out, but they don’t live up to the hype. They don’t provide what I expect them to provide.

I view the MysteryVibe Cresendo like the Ruby Glow, a great idea that needs to be improved upon, and I want to like it. Everything about it makes me want to like it, but I just can’t. There’s a great base there – a vibrator that’s flexible, but it’s everything else that lets it down. The smoothness of the movement, power, buttons, charging dock … they need to be finessed. I would also rather have 3 really powerful motors, than 6 subpar ones. It’s the same when it comes to the packaging, it’s gorgeous, but it’s an abundance. I’ll take a decent vibrator that can get me off over a vibe with lux packaging any day.

Like Hot Octopuss, I love the company, and I love the conversations MysteryVibe is starting via their blog, but it’s not enough. I can’t with any good conscience recommend spending over £120 on a vibrator that doesn’t live up to … well any of the expectations, the only thing going for it is that it looks pretty. You would be far better spending your money on an arrangement of body-safe toys if you’re new to buying sex toys, and if not hunting around a little more. If you’re looking for power, try a Doxy. Looking for ‘bendability’, try a softer silicone dildo. The MysteryVibe Cresendo isn’t worth the novelty. I hope that in time they start a toy that can be perfected, but it’s not worth it right now.

The MysteryVibe Cresendo was given to me by MysteryVibe in exchange for an honest review.