Or, ‘what to do when you can’t physically masturbate’.
(But that wasn’t as catchy.)
I’m currently bed bound, in the midst of what’s known as a ‘flare’. My muscles ache, and my joints creak. When I move different parts of me hurt from my head, all the way down to my toes. And, as to why I’m telling you all this … I’m horny.
Not in a fleeting ‘oh it would be nice to have an orgasm way’, but in an honest to god ‘no orgasms for two weeks, teased to the brink way’ horny. You see, when I’m sick I masturbate. It’s the thing to do when sick – go on a ‘how many times can I cum’ bender, and try to beat the last one. It usually keeps me occupied until my clit gives out, and refuses to function. When it does I go back to grumbling to my partner that I’m sick. (I’m a terrible sick person.)
Now, when I’m ill* it’s a different story. When I’m ill, I’m usually in bed barely unable to hold more than a cup of water, let alone attempt a new world record for orgasms, but I still need to keep myself occupied. Also, being in the same position as when I’m sick has conditioned me to want to masturbate. So, what do I do? Do I dare try masturbation? Do I bombard my brain with images of a sexual nature just like I would if I were sick, or do I give up, and Netflix … without the fun ‘chill’ aspect.
I’m sure you’ll all be surprised to know that I bombard my brain with scenes of a sexual nature. Why? Endorphins. Those fun little things that help with pain relief. However, it’s chasing after those natural painkillers that have got me into this frustrating ‘itch I can’t physically scratch’ situation.
So, what do I do? I can’t physically cum without hurting myself, and I don’t even mean that in a fun way. How can I keep my brain occupied, but at the same time distract myself from pain?
I write erotica … bad erotica.
Thanks to this fun recent pain flare I have snippets of erotic possibilities tucked away on my phone, notepad, and laptop. But thanks to this fun recent pain flare not only are they bad snippets of erotica, but nearly all of them also don’t make sense. For example:
“purple penis dragon”
“old trousers handjob”
“cards against humanity bingo sex”
And last, but not least, my favourite: “tit corset bodice upside down mud tit fuck”. I admit when noting that one down I spent quite a bit of time pondering the logistics of it all. So, if anyone has any *ahem* photographic proof of that being possible, feel free to send it my way!
This leads me to the reason I started writing this rambling mess of a blog post. I have a question for you all. When I’ve tidied up the excerpts, would you like to see them? Some I’ll keep, and try to develop into something tangible. But, now I’ve started writing questionable erotica again, I want to keep writing, and I want input.
*I’m using the term ‘ill’ to differentiate between the type of ‘sick’ with a head cold, flu, and such, and ‘ill’ to mean a worsening of my symptoms. I realise at some point I need to come up with a better distinction for this.
So, what do you say? Does anyone feel brave enough to read potentially terrible erotica?