Go back five years and you wouldn’t recognise me. I was drowning in despair, convinced I was going to be alone forever. Always berating myself for not being thinner, smarter, prettier, funnier, fitter, healthier … more normal. Or at least what I considered normal. I wanted to not have a broken brain, to not hate myself, to feel like I was worthy of the friends who loved me for who I was.
That may not make much sense but back then I spent a lot of time wondering why my friends even bothered being friends with me. I thought this about all my friends even though really it was only one or two who were making me feel this way. I tried to start fixing the things about me I hated, I joined a gym which if I’m honest I actually really loved but due to circumstances I couldn’t afford to keep it up, and it became one more thing to beat myself up about.
Around this time, I met a guy. I thought he was totally out of my league; he was really buff, sexy as hell, super smart, and very nerdy. He totally rocked my world. He loved my body so much it made it easier for me to hate it less. He’s the first guy I swapped sexy photos with by text, first guy I sent a pictures of my naked chest. It didn’t work out, but it started a chain reaction that led me to where I am now.
I’m in a place where even when I’m having a bad depression day I don’t hate my body or mind, I know it’s just a bad day (or few days) and soon it will be over. A big part of this journey that brought me back to being someone who has self-confidence (which helps in and out of the bedroom), really got going when I joined the sex-blogging community. I remember the first time I posted a naked boob photo on Twitter, I spent ages agonising over it, asking friends opinions it before I shared it. I shouldn’t have worried the positive comments rolled in. The more comments I got the more my confidence grew, and the more my confidence grew the more photos I shared.
I don’t share as many naked pictures anymore, but I never took any of them down. I’ve also shared photos on my website of me topless, or in just my underwear. If I’m talking about tattoos while I’m out, I will happily whip off my top if someone asks to see my back piece. It’s hard to not feel confident about your body when you choose to be naked on the internet. I’ve learnt that if people have a problem with my body, it is THEIR problem. It’s not about me.
Having body confidence gave me mental confidence too. I’m a geek, I love my genre books, TV, and film, and these days I’m not shy about admitting it. I’m also a bit of a sex geek too, and a food geek. I used to think I was boring for being geeky about these things, but now I think I just like what I like, it’s not about hiding your likes, it’s about finding people who share them. A few weeks ago, I sat in a pub with a group of similarly minded folks, a table of sex toys in one corner, and we just talked about lots of things. It was brilliant to be in a room where no topic was taboo, and everyone could join in.
Finding my self-confidence has meant I’ve been able to stand up for myself more. I find it much easier to tell someone in bed that something isn’t working for me. Or now having enough self-respect to walk away from people who aren’t good for me, knowing that there’ll be someone else. I used to put up with things because I didn’t think I’d get another chance. Now I know I will, but I also know I’m good with just me, too.
