It’s all in compassing. I can feel it everywhere in my head. From the smallest tooth to the hinge in my jaw, everything burns and aches and begs me to stop. My mouth screams at me to ‘just use my hands’ or better yet use my cunt. But I am determined. I will give my partner a blow job, and I will hurt for it. Goddamnit, I will hurt for it.
Nowadays I’m pain-free for all of 10 seconds before it starts, the tightness in my jaw spreads like a vice until I have to take a break; otherwise, I’ll cry.
I don’t heed my own advice, and I never have. Should I be giving a blow job when I’m in so much pain? No! I should be resting my jaw, but the pleasure I get from his tightening muscles is too much to stay away from.
I’ve always loved blowjobs. Not just because of the power and the sensations it gives me, but my mouth is where I like to play. And I’ve always had an oral fixation – from lollipops to pens to biting my lips. I love my mouth. So, if I can’t suck cock anymore, it almost feels like that it will ruin me, which is hyperbole. I won’t be ruined, I’ll still be me … I think? There’s so much of me that’s changed or isn’t even ‘me’ anymore that I want to hold on tight to blowjobs. They have been such a point of pride that never being able to give one again and unsettles me to my core.
Sometimes it’s in defiance. Sometimes I flick my fingers up at my jaw in my head and go ‘screw you’. I am not going to be held back by a little bit of pain, and I am going to give my partner a blow job. Of course, I pay for it. Sometimes it sparks a flare so bad I can barely eat the rest of the day. Sometimes I can get away with a couple of hours of tenderness. And sometimes I can feel it for weeks. Is it worth it? Yes?
My partner doesn’t know about my turmoil, for the most part. Though, it’s quite hard to conceal tears running down my face, tears that fall on his legs when I get frustrated with my mouth. Just a little longer, I beg, but I don’t know who I’m pleading with. It’s not my partner; he would never force me to do anything that hurts me. I am the one forcing myself to hurt for his pleasure, my pleasure, our pleasure.
I don’t derive any pleasure from this pain though, it’s purely a fuck you to my body. No matter how many times I try or different ways I move, the pain always comes. In the beginning, there was barely any pain, though probably more than ‘healthy’ people because I’ve always had jaw issues. Still, I wasn’t in agony after two minutes. Now, on the wrong day, I’m in agony after 10 seconds.
I love blowjobs. I love giving, and I love receiving. For me, it’s the ultimate power trip to have someone at your mercy with something so sensitive so close to your teeth. It’s a coin toss whether there’s pleasure or pain, for both.
I don’t know how it will be 10 years – will my jaw beg me not to do it or will I have no choice in the matter. Am I damaging myself every time I open wide, every time I hold my mouth open in a position where I can feel the tension coil? Maybe.
You see, the problem with having so many medical issues is that each individual issue gets brushed aside in favour of the shiny one people can see if you’re lucky enough to have a visible condition. Even then, it’s a cluster fuck. My jaw pain used to be such a small thing, but it’s grown into its own existence. There’s not a day that goes by wherein some shape or form my jaw is an issue. My food choices are now catered around my jaw. My choices are limited to the softest foods, especially now my jaw has gotten worse. On my worst days, I have fruit pouches, initially intended for small children, as they are the only thing I can manage when I can’t open my jaw wide enough to talk.
All of the above runs through my mind every time I give a blow job. I still find pleasure in it, after all, if I didn’t love it so much, I wouldn’t put myself through it. But, every time I open my jaw my mind wanders to the food I might eat, the possibility of lockjaw, the extra painkillers I might take, and the advice I give others but don’t listen to. There’s also a small part of me that can’t help but question my desire to hurt for our combined pleasure, but I’ll deal with that another day.
