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Her: How To Put Female Pleasure First (And Why You Might Want To)

Her: How To Put Female Pleasure First (And Why You Might Want To)

by Emmeline Peaches

Whereas in the past fringe genders and the gender spectrum itself have struggled to gain validation we are slowly, but very surely, making progress when it comes to the acknowledgement and inclusion of the many rather than relying on gender norms. The same can be said about gender equality, which is being approached and considered with new (and broader) cultural vigour.

But the inclusion and equality of all genders doesn’t discredit the validity of cisgender, heterosexual identity, nor dynamics and, in this framework, sometimes it’s still some people’s extreme desire to treat their lady (or to be treated as such).

This is an article for anyone who wants such conventional pleasures, or for those who wish to understand such conventions just a little bit more.

Female Veneration: Putting ‘Her’ First

Although there are some historical exceptions, instances of understanding, let alone prioritising, female pleasure are pretty few and far between.

Even iconic pleasure books such as the karmasutra condone some perplexing (and sometimes downright abhorrent) attitudes towards female bodies, and let’s not even get started with recent historic approaches to female pleasure (*cough* Freud *cough*).

Overall, to be a woman in a sexual situation has traditionally meant that your pleasure would be dismissed, treated as second fiddle, or (most damningly) considered as a non-necessity for sexual success.

This is why, for some, the reclamation and worship of female desire can be so powerful.

A woman asking, directly and confidently, for her needs to be met can be an incredibly brave act in a society that still prevalently defines the end of sex with the ejaculation of a man after penetration. And to have this act acknowledged and valued is an important step towards the empowerment of a gender that has been conventionally repressed in sexual contexts. Which is why your reaction to such requests is so important.

How To Put Her First – A Primer

Obviously, every body is different and we can’t cater for them all here but there are some common trends that can significantly help redress that balance in the bedroom.

Unbelievably, it wasn’t until 2004 that She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman was published by Ian Kerner, challenging the assumption that internal penetration was the pinnacle of female satisfaction. Instead, Kerner advocated for taking things slow, engaging the tongue, and (most importantly) focusing on the clitoris.

This is, indeed, an important part of centralizing the pleasure of female bodies – especially as 80% of women state that they cannot reach climax for internal stimulation alone. It’s also estimated that women need about 20 minutes of (preferably variable) stimulation prior to peak sexual satisfaction. So, two key tips would be to take it slow and never neglect the clitoris.

But, more than anything, the centralisation of female pleasure relies on one key thing – listen to the woman you’re pleasuring and take their advice to heart. Let them know how amazing you find them and what you adore about them specifically. Use conventionally feminine dialogue and compliments if she wants it, but make sure that your remarks are desired and enthusiastic consent is in place.

Refuse to skimp on communication and you can bet that you’ll be playing your part in putting your partner’s pleasure first. Trust us when we say that your mutual sex life will be better for your capacity to empower each other in a range of ways, including gender-specific ones from time-to-time.

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