Sex work is mostly about being able to be intimate and make a connection with a varied range of emotion. The skills I use in work have definitely improved how I am in my relationship.
Sex work and civilian dating aren’t that different. Except for the money.
As an independent escort I need to be able to understand what my client wants, what they need, even if they can’t explain it themselves. Need to help them bring out their fantasies, the desires they are too scared to talk about. And also be a listening ear, offer them intimacy and connection.
Being a sex worker is most importantly about being able to build a connection with someone out of a smallest moment.
Dating civilians is similar. When you go on that first date, you are both reaching out. Figuring each other out, trying to make that connection.
The skills I have honed as an escort I use in my civilian dating life. I am firm with my boundaries, I’m clear with how I communicate, and I take my pleasure and my sexual health very importantly.
As a sex worker one of the services I provide is a ‘Girlfriend Experience.’ All the good parts of a relationship, the passionate sex, the fun dinner dates, the outings where you never argue and only smile with coy glances over dinner.
You could say that creating the perfect relationship for an hour, or five, at a time night after night has taught me all the things I require in one.
When I see my civilian friends in their relationships, they are hesitant to communicate, to set their boundaries. It seems it is not something we learn.
An example is before I started working I dated a married man. I let myself be waylaid into believing his wife knew about our arrangement. I snuck around, I let him convince me hiding was the right way to do things. I went against my personal convictions about my safety, not telling my friends about us.
But now, after the experiences I have had with amazing clients and the not so good clients who push our boundaries, who pester us for natural services, haggle, ask for services we don’t offer or services we offer for extra for free, I wouldn’t budge on the things I need in a healthy relationship.
My amazing, polite, respectful, clients who want to spoil me and worship me have taught me that I am valuable, I have worth. They also teach me that relationships are all about give and take. But that I should only give what I am willing to lose.
Sometimes we give our all to relationships, we lose our sense of self. Sex work has taught me that the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. When you know your own boundaries, what you can and cannot take, you learn what you will take from others.
Sex work has also taught me the value of communication. We communicate with our clients, we judge if an enquiry meets our standards by the way clients speak to us or by their texted words.
In my civilian dating life this has taught me how to communicate my wants and desires with my partners. ‘This is what I want, this is what I need, no don’t do that’. For me most importantly, I couldn’t be with a partner who didn’t support my work or was monogamous. Sex work certainly teaches us that while sex can be intimate, it can also be completely detached from it. We can sate our physical desires without involving our hearts.
It would please me if my partner wished to have sex with others, or see a sex worker. As someone who attends swingers parties, we could even make it some group fun.
However you like to slake our physical desires, sex work has taught me that we all need human touch and intimacy, to explore and learn about our sexual desires.
So I take the skills, the knowledge of men, the communication skills, the strong boundaries, the knowledge I am worth someone who will not hide me in a corner, to find a partner.