A whip here, a tickle there, and a needle somewhere delicate …
Everyone has limits. Everyone. Even ‘no limits’ subs that approach me begging to whip them, whether they realise it or not have limits – I’m betting they don’t want me to chop off a vital limb, or perform open-heart surgery on them. Limits aren’t a bad thing, nor are safe words, aftercare, or bucket lists … but that’s just me. Then again, that’s the point of this post. These are my top ten tips for BDSM and kink. They won’t be everyone’s. Some people will vehemently disagree with some of the points below, and that’s okay, so long as there’s an open discussion. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs.
Lastly, a note on the list: the tips below aren’t in any specific order, and I would argue each tip on this list is as key as the next.
Safewords are essential.
Your safe word or your safe word system stops any and all play that’s happening. To anyone new to kink, a safe word system is a must to feel out what you may or may not like, and it’s great at communicating to your partner without breaking the scene.
Venture out into your local scene, and talk with like-minded people.
You’ll find people that think the same you.
But, at the end of the day, know that the scene isn’t everything. Money, time, and stress go into being part of a scene or attending regular events. So, it’s okay if you don’t want to be a part of that. Maybe try it once or twice, because kink friends sometimes make the best friends, but don’t feel like if you’re not in the scene, you do not kink. The scene doesn’t validate how kinky you are.
If in a relationship, realise BDSM is a two-way thing.
You’re in this together.
Both parties need to agree on what their own personal limits are, as well as what their limits are as a couple.
Don’t play angry, upset, hurt, etc.
Always make sure you’re in the mindset for the scene.
Playing when not in the right frame of mind can lead to injuries, even more anger, and regret if you later play with something in the heat of the moment before clearing it first. Better to delay play, than regret it.
Check in with your partner on limits, fetishes, and how they feel about your current arrangement.
Try to do this once every other month.
People change, and fetishes change over time. What might be a hard limit once upon a time might turn into a soft limit after some time has passed. Tastes can change, change with them Also, check-in with yourself! Make your own will/won’t/will try list, and re-evaluate it every so often.
Figure out what you want to learn, then go after it. Try new things.
Similar to the above, if you’ve been playing around with the same few things, try changing it up. If you rely on handcuffs for bondage, try learning a fabric tie, or rope. There are lots of new skills to learn within BDSM.
Communication. Not so much a tip, but a necessity.
If you don’t talk to your partner on a regular basis, how are you going to know if everything is going okay during a scene? If you don’t check in with yourself, how are you going to know if your feelings towards something chances?
Start a dialogue, and keep it open. Communication can solve a lot of problems, and avert them if it’s done earlier enough.
Know your limitations – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You know what’s best for you, no one else, you. Don’t push past your limits upon the insistence of others, if they’re trying to coax you to change your mind they’re not the people you want to be playing with.
Aftercare
I class aftercare as an essential part of kink, though I know some won’t agree with me. The way I see it, if you’re playing around with someone’s brain chemistry – giving them a huge dose of dopamine, there will be a crash to account for. Preparing in advance for this time happen with blankets, food, and a go-to comfort will ease the drop. This goes for both Tops and bottoms.
